Life takes a turn.... *Warning that it is a bit graphic*

It's funny how life doesn't always go on the track that it is heading. You have your ups and your downs but some where along the way, you hit a speed bump that kinda throws you off track. You have to find a way to pick yourself back up and get your life back on track.
On Nov 18, 2010 I found out I was expecting my second miracle. It was the 2nd best news I have ever received. My son was the 1st without a doubt! Being told you will never get pregnant by multiple doctors and then we prove them wrong TWICE with natural pregnancy on both! It's just a huge blessing and you know there is a higher power looking on us each and every day!
On Dec 25th is where my life kinda got turned upside down. Christmas is the day to spend with family and just celebrate Christ. Well after a 2 1/2 hour drive to NC to spend Christmas with my family, I walk into my parent's house to go pee. I wiped and saw a bunch of blood. I think to myself, maybe it's nothing. I will just put on a pad and it should let up. A lot of people spot during their pregnancy...no big deal. Well I walk out of the bathroom, fall to the floor and start crying. I knew deep down something wasn't right. So Josh and I jump back in the truck and drive to the ER to see if we can figure out what's going on. Hours went by, and nothing. They had no OB at the hospital and no ultrasound tech at the hospital so all they could do is confirm I was pregnant and send me on my merry way! It was hard going through the day, but I put on a happy face and spent it with my family! We get home that night and the bleeding had stopped. I was thinking, this is great news, hopefully this just means that everything is OK with my baby! I had planned to go to the Base to go to the ER on Sunday...well we were snowed in Sunday and Monday. So we finally went on that Tuesday. I walk in, they do a few questions. After over an hour trying to get blood from me (horrible veins) They finally order an ultrasound to check on the baby. I get into the ultrasound room and they refuse to let me look at the screen. Said that while in the ER you can't see your baby. So I was heart broken. Half way through the scan I just broke down and bawled. I knew in my heart something wasn't right. Jayden and Josh are in the waiting room anxiously waiting to hear what is going on. I head back to my room to wait for the results and to do my Pap. The doc walks in and tells me the news that my baby is measuring 8 weeks 6 days and I am suppose to be measuring 10 weeks. The worse news is, my baby no longer has a heart beat. I was fine while he told me, but during the end I broke down thinking to myself, how am I going to walk out of here to the waiting room and look Josh in the eyes and tell him we lost our baby! The doc apologizes for the news he had to give me, but told me he still needed to do the pap. So I lay back and just keep crying, thinking what did I do to loose my baby. Did I push myself to much, did I eat something I shouldn't have, did I have one to many sodas. It was just so hard to handle, but I pulled myself back together to keep thinking of how I was going to tell Josh. After my pap I sit in the room alone for another 45 mins when I hear a knock on the door...It's Josh and Jayden. The moment he walked in, I had to look away cause I just lost it. He said, we lost it didn't we. I couldn't even mouth the words to him. So together we cry that we lost our beautiful unborn baby! It was the hardest news I have ever received in my life. The doc comes back in tells me that I have an appointment at 10am the next morning to discuss how we are going to presume my miscarriage. I walk out of the ER, call my mom told her the news and asked if she could come up here to help me with Jayden. She said she would and would be on her way in just a bit.
Dec 29, 2010...A day I will always remember. At 10am we walk into OB. I told Josh I was just going to loose it if I see one pregnant woman. It was hard enough being in that waiting room for 7 years and wanting to be pregnant and being surround by pregnant women, now I have lost my baby and that's the last thing I want to see. May have seen hateful, but you don't want to see something you just lost. We check in, and anxiously wait. I see two pregnant women and one with a newborn. I handled it better than I thought. Kept saying I have to be strong, if Josh sees me crying it's gonna hurt him too! So I must be strong! Well, they call my name, the lady greets us and the first thing out of her mouth is "Are you pregnant"....Seriously how do you answer that?! I lost it right there in the waiting room. What do I say, yes I am pregnant, But I am carrying a dead baby around?! It just was to much to handle at that moment. They had no records on file and had no idea about what happen in the ER the night before. The lady felt awful. She kept apologizing and even had a tear in her eye. After about 5 mins my doc walks in to do an ultrasound to confirm that there was no heartbeat. She does the scan and the first thing I ask is "Can I please have a picture of my baby". If I never get to hold my baby or see my baby please give me something to remember my baby! She didn't hesitate at all! After she confirmed there was no heartbeat she went to get another doc to also confirm it. Well, as upsetting as it was, that doc also said she saw nothing. So then we had to discuss options how we were going to go through the miscarriage.
We sat there and discussed 3 options. One could be a D&C which could take place a week later, or I could insert a pill that will induce me and I could go home and have the miscarriage or I could just let nature take it's course. Well, my option would have been the D&C so I could just have it done in a few mins, but I didn't want to wait another week. It was already hard enough walking around knowing I am pregnant but my baby is gone. So I asked to do the pill...That's where I may have went wrong. The doc inserts the pills inside me and I head home.
I felt fine, had some small cramps but nothing I couldn't handle. 5-6 hours later is a moment I will never forget. After releasing tons of clots, I ran to the bathroom after feeling like my water broke while I was sitting on the couch. I sit down and it's just a bit of a mess. I get up, happen to turn around and look down and I see my baby laying in the toilet. At that moment I broke down again. How can anyone just flush their baby down the toilet like a dead fish. I asked Josh to come here, but he couldn't come either. He couldn't handle seeing his baby there. I walked to the living room and ask my mom what I should do. She said we could bury the baby. That's where I said, Let's do that. So I go and get an square necklace jewerly box, get a tiny blanket for the baby to lay on. I walk into the bathroom, grab my baby out of the toilet and place my baby peacefully into the box. You would never imagine what a baby will look like at that far along, but it was beautiful. I never want to see it again cause it was so hard, but it was so beautiful to see my baby as if I had done the D&C or anything would have went differently I wouldn't have seen or held my innocent baby. Josh and I head outside and dig a hole to bury our baby. After we dug a deep hole we place our sleeping baby down to rest. We said our "I love you's" and "goodbye's".
That night when we laid in bed, I couldn't sleep. So I was looking online for a head stone or personalized stepping stones, Anything to mark where our baby lays. I found the perfect one and it should be here within the week. I can't wait to place it out there where he/she sleeps!
After another day goes by I think that my body is finally getting back to feeling some what normal. That's where it takes another turn. The following night, well actually two days later since it was Friday at 2am, Josh and I head to the ER again. The clots kept coming, bigger and faster. After we get into the ER (which walking any where was hard with how bad it was), the docs do a pap to check to see what's going on. The first doctor comes in and says she see's something. She keeps telling me that I didn't pass my baby. I wanted to tear her apart. I know I passed my baby, I saw him/her. My mom and Josh saw him/her too! We aren't crazy, we know what a baby looks like. She kept trying to say, "oh it's just tissue". I said since when does tissue have little tiny limbs as arms and legs and have black spots where the eyes are. She finally stopped arguing with me when I kept telling her repeatedly that I had my baby!! I hate people that think they know something that they have no idea about! So after that spill, she calls in the OB doc on call! He comes and takes a look and says I have a clot/tissue that is blocking my cervix and my body is having problems passing it cause it's so large. So he pulls it out and then sees that it's not letting up any and there is still some stuff up in there. So he orders an emergency D&C cause I had already lost way more blood than anyone should ever loose! I was becoming very weak! After about 30 mins all the docs that were on call made it in. I was prepped and ready to go. I was scared to death heading to the OR, but knew it had to be done or I something serious could happen to me. So after getting into the room, I try not to think about anything. I am so weak and cold it was so hard to really do much of anything. They lay me on the table, put an oxygen mask on me. It was so tight I almost had a panic attack from it. After a few seconds, I don't remember anything else. I woke up to someone screaming my name, which scared the crap out of me. But they told me it was done and over with and we were heading to ICU to recover. Josh comes in shortly after and i had never been so excited to see him! I was still pretty out of it, but was just glad to see a familiar face. So the ICU docs come in and start asking me questions to insure that I am there and I am recovering well. I couldn't wait to go home and see my son, so I was anxious to get up and move around. My blood pressure that night was going from really low to almost normal so I was on close watch, but after 15 mins or so I told them I had to pee. I walked by myself to the toilet, did my thing, got up. They said to get dressed. Took my blood pressure one more time and everything seemed to be getting normal. After that I was discharged at about 8am. It was a long night. But I just wanted to get home, give my beautiful son a kiss and get some sleep! I couldn't have been more thankful for my mom being there to take care of Jayden and to help me out along the way too! I couldn't have done it without her, or without Josh!
So now here we are, a week since my D&C. Things seem to be going good as of now. My pelvis area still hurts at times, and I am still suppose to be on very light duty, but having a husband who has duty as much as mine does, it's hard to be on light duty. So I take it easy as much as I can and thankful for a son who is good to his mama!

Now we just go on living our life the best we can, with our baby in our thoughts and hearts! We have Jayden and I tell you, if we didn't have him I have no idea how we would get through this! He has been the biggest God send we could have ever asked for! He makes us smile when we are sad, he gives us a hug and kiss when we are down! He's just the biggest blessing in our life!!

In time we hope to try again, but just going to take it day by day. Right now it's just to hard to think this could happen again! It's so hard, and almost scares you from wanting to try again! We shall see what God has planned!

So take this day to appreciate those that you love! Life is precious so treasure it!!